Hey all! This is the last of my journal entries from my recent Vision Quest journey. Before reading this blog post, I highly recommend that you first read parts Uno and Dos
Okay, well, I killed some of the morning off by making more of my little butterfly cards to give to all of my Vision Quest warriors, I did a few yoga poses, changed into warmer socks and attempted to meditate for a bit, but then the urge to pee came back. I don’t want to give up on my Vision Quest yet, I truly do not want to, especially since there is only 24 hours to go, but this whole no-water thang has really gotten me for sure. Maybe this is ego chattering in my mind, but I think that I have a plan here. I’ll give it my all to finish the Quest, but come tomorrow morning, if I am still having UTI symptoms…I think it’d be best to have a small bite to eat, a SHIT TON OF WATER and then head out. I really hate to leave before it is over, but I have had many UTIs in my time (I get 2-3 per year) and I know that it is best to get it taken care of ASAP. I know that people might judge me for leaving early, but all I am really going to miss is the second sweat lodge ceremony and a fire-walk.
This is probably all a lesson in learning to take care of myself. These people have all been wonderful, but I need to know when it is time and if I am still having UTI symptoms come tomorrow morning, then I know that it is time. I am quite proud of myself for going this far! I truly think that this no-water thing is what killed me. Part of why I drink a shit ton of water all the time is to stave off the UTIs. It’s decided though—no doubt, UTI symptoms tomorrow morning I am out of here. I’ll talk to Linda and Gent and take off. Honestly, it’ll be good to work on job hunting when I get back too.
It just hit me, I have no health insurance. I hope to God that there is a Planned Parenthood near Salt Lake City (praying) because they have helped me with UTI symptoms in the past. As soon as I have a job again I promise that I will give them a fatty donation. I promise, promise, promise.
As much as I talk smack about civilization, I am really missing it right now. I am very grateful for the sips that I have left of my tea. I don’t care if I am one of the first back to base camp tomorrow morning and am considered a weakling. Getting water and treating a UTI are pretty important things if you ask me.
Right now, I am grateful for the sunlight keeping me warm, I am grateful to know that this is more than half over, hehe. I am grateful for a few sips left of tea and my art project to keep me busy.
This experience is really making me appreciate a lot: WATER, heavenly WATER, food, the sun, the moon (it has been amazing to have such a clear view of it from where I am sleeping.) This experience has made me appreciate and miss my tent, hehe.
There have been noises throughout the night that definitely have been freaking me out, so I cough a bunch just in case it’s a big animal—hoping that helps.
I am so grateful that everything worked together the way that it did, that I got to and from the Salt Lake City area from St. George safely—twice within the last week. I am grateful to be relatively close to Salt Lake City so that I can hit up a Planned Parenthood tomorrow.
Water, water, more than ANYTHING else in the world, I can’t wait to drink water tomorrow morning. Hopefully Austin will be able to drive with me tomorrow morning to make sure my car doesn’t get stuck on the janky roads on the way out of here. I am not going to let anyone talk me out of it, I need to take care of this physical body and that means getting this UTI taken care of STAT!
Wednesday 9/6 (my guess is that it’s about 2:00pm)
I am so grateful this pen is still working. I am in a bit of a predicament. It has now been 48+ hours since I last ate, I tried to do my small walking loop to keep the flies off of me, but I have no more energy, I really would like to lie down on my bed area but it’s too sunny and warm in that location and nothing else looks very promising. I only have a few sips of tea to last me until morning. All things considered, I am surprised that I am not as crabby as I could be. I am so grateful that this is the last night!
I don’t think that I will be the first one back to base camp tomorrow morning, that is my prediction. There is a weird pulse going on in my belly, I haven’t a clue what that is all about. By the way, I just wanted to mention, I have only seen 4 vehicles go by total in the last almost 48 hours (3 yesterday and 1 today.) My mind is CHATTERING LIKE CRAZY.
I have no idea what to do with myself, I have no energy to move. I just finished all of my drawings. What oh what does a girl do? With where the sun is now, I am guessing it to be about 5pm. That means just about 12 hours or so left! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and then a good 8 of the hours should be sleeping, yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! So I only need to try to entertain myself for about 5 more hours haha.
This just came to me! Since one of my passions is caring for other people, then I truly need to care for myself first and part of that is doing this inner work that I am doing with the Vision Quest and caring for this amazing body that does so much for me. I will continue on my path of healthy eating, running 5-6 days out of the week, tai chi, and yoga when I get back to civilization. It’s weird hearing no civilization right now, just a bunch of bugs buzzing around me. I think that it’s time for another sip of tea. You know what’s really funny? I made little stations for myself where I am staying. I have the station where I sleep, a drawing station, and then a station where I keep my shoes and tea. I was going to attempt to meditate and then write down what comes up for me, but these flies are so terrible here. I’ll try for 30 breaths at least, wish me luck!
I am not going to lie, this sunset has no doubt been the longest in my life. I truly feel like dying I want water so bad, what an awful feeling. The flies won’t leave me the fuck alone. Wasp sting, UTI! Hey, thank goodness I haven’t been preyed upon by any large animals, I must say—gotta look at the positive side whenever possible. I keep having flashbacks about Portland—how scattered I had gotten there, how scattered that I have felt in general over the last few years…yet here I am, still alive…I suppose there is that. I have ultimately been blessed in so many ways, it’s unreal.
The sun has set, but it is still a bit warm, so I am imagining that tonight will not be as cold as all of the other nights have been, maybe? These flies are ruthless, but I know that they will be disappearing soon as night falls. I truly hope that I sleep through the night so that BOOM! Morning is here. I am still fantasizing about drinking boat-loads of water. Come to think of it, I should probably try to go kind of slow with my water intake when I get back so as to not shock my system. I can’t wait to get into town and contact either a Planned Parenthood in Salt Lake City or that free clinic in St. George that can maybe take in a bum such as me.
I definitely feel like being done with this, yo. I am in pain in more ways than one. I truly am going to appreciate every bite of food, every sip of water, and every conversation that I have when I get back. This has taught me a lot FO SHO.
Thursday 9/7 (I am guessing with where the moon is, it’s about 3:00am?)
This has been my least favorite night. I awoke from a dream where I was a receptionist at some lab where they were taking dead bodies into a back room, then in real life I had to pee and then I heard what sounded like multiple coyotes howling. My stomach is growling like mad and my mouth is super dry and I keep envisioning drinking bottle of water after bottle of water. FUCK! The morning cannot come soon enough.
Thursday 9/7 (morning sunrise)
How symbolic. I dreamt that I was peeing normally full force into a toilet, but I couldn’t turn a light on as I was peeing, it was dark (last night I was awaiting sunlight and concerned about my UTI symptoms.) Yayyyyyyyyyy, the sun is rising and I am going to get my shit together, get back to base camp and let everyone know that I am outta here!!!!!!!!!
Wow, that was all a strange experience. I was actually the last person to arrive back to base camp, hehe…I am hardcore. This whole experience has been such a trip, I truly feel as if all of these people are a part of me. Everyone here is so incredibly present and in the moment. It feels really special that just 10 days ago I was helping to sand down all of these teepee poles in which we are all now sitting under for ceremony. I drank a ton of fluids, informed Linda about my UTI symptoms in which right away she had me take specific herbal teas, drink a ton of cranberry komobucha, and had every single person in the Vision Quest be part of a healing ceremony for me….and the symptoms were gone (100% gone, as if I had taken an antibiotic) the next morning, it was completely UNREAL.
During our peyote ceremony, that’s when the real medicine was taken (i.e. more like what I was envisioning for peyote, a ton of hallucinations…) At one point during ceremony, I closed my eyes and all that I could see was geometric patterns of wolves and spirals, nothing else.
Wow. Tomorrow is officially the last day. What a crazy ass ride. In sooooooo many ways this was more difficult for me than a 10-day silent meditation retreat because we HAD to be open with each and every person in the Vision Quest group. My dream in the beginning of realizing that everyone would know what I’m thinking pretty much came true. I became intimate/vulnerable with 14 others EVERY DAY, except for the 3 days up on the hill, but even then I felt them with me. The all-night peyote ceremony with everyone was wild. We started it out with going around the room each holding each other’s medicine/crystals and blessing them, then we took our medicine and puked our brains out hardcore all while becoming completely open about EVERYTHING. I told a group of 14 people some deep, dark shit before, during, and after puking my brains out. I also listened to 14 other people’s deep and dark shit. Each and every one of us held space and I saw everyone’s bright Spirits despite all of the fucked-up life problems that we were all sharing with each other.
I ended up super connecting with Brooke (who is from Sedona and used to live with a Spiritual teacher that I am a big fan of.) It hit me that Brooke’s profile looks EXACTLY like the doctor that I used to work for, her personality matched too. It hit me that Brooke is another teacher in my life just as that doctor was—only I learned a shit ton about herbalism, plant medicine, and native ways from Brooke instead of Western Medicine. Brooke said something really sweet to me too during the ceremony, she goes “when I first met you, I knew. I thought ‘this girl…she can SEE things.” Right after she said that we both saw a shooting star in the sky as we were walking back to the teepee together. We hugged and then each made a wish, hehe. We stayed up all night. I tried to sleep in the teepee, but kept seeing crazy-ass geometric patterns every time that I tried closing my eyes. I also felt as if I was leaving my body and teleporting to other realms and dimensions. I kept hearing the other Vision Questers talk and it hit me that they were all me and I was all them. I started having crazy realizations about energy and how connected everything really is and how I chose this path and how all of the Vision Quest people are on the same path. Haylee, Brooke, and I ended up being the last of the people in the teepee tending to the fire. Gent was sleeping in the teepee and would pipe in every once in a while to the conversation us three girls were having.
Me and my Spirit Sisters outside of teepee ceremony.
Eventually I went back to my tent, but could not sleep for the life of me because when I shut my eyes I got lost in the different geometric patterns and I kept feeling as if I was going to leave my body. Gent called for me to come out of my tent anyhow. I got out of my tent and I had to face EVERYONE still feeling majorly tripped out. Josh pulled out a boom box and we all started dancing for a while, but then his stereo went out and right as it went out, his wife and three children pulled up into the parking lot area of our base camp, it was as if it was all planned (the way the music stopped right as they pulled up.)
I initially felt very awkward since I was still tripping and there were children running around me. His wife and three children came in for our last ceremony which involved breath-work (basically intense meditation.) It happened to be the ceremony that I went into my most vulnerable place ever. It felt as if my whole body became the earth and the earth became my body. I cried, cried, cried and others surrounded me and placed their hands gently around my neck, arms, and sides. It felt as if I started leaving my body and I felt as if I was being re-birthed. My eyes were shut, but I could see everyone in the room and everything in the room felt and looked like pure love. I opened my eyes and Josh’s kids were staring at me wide-eyed with curiosity…one of them was wafting sage onto me with a feather and the other was playing a drum like a true little Medicine Woman. It hit me that all of those tons of dreams that I had about two little blonde haired boys were THOSE two little boys, they were Josh’s boys. I burst out crying even more, everything felt so incredibly connected it was truly unreal. At one point, it felt as if my root chakra had a giant cord attached to the earth.
I would write more, but I really have to pee and brush my teeth an my tent is pretty soaked because I had no rain cover Anyhow, his kids were so adorable, they kept wanting to hang out with me after the ceremony, hehe. Despite being up for almost 36+ hours, I somehow managed to be coherent enough to play with them and converse with everyone. This whole experience was all about facing so much of your shit because guess what? You couldn’t run away! And you couldn’t resort to technology because we had no service.
Gent (the Medicine Man) and I helping to build the sweat lodge.