The Meditation Continues…

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It has been a long time since I have written a post!  I never wanted this blog to become one of those stagnant websites you come across where you check to see when the last update was and it states it was years ago.  The only way I would let that happen is if I were to pass away, then it really will be a website locked in time.  Although, the website address might change if I were to pass, as I am paying $18 a year for my website name (let’s be brutally honest here hah…) So here it goes, I am feeling the inspiration and flow to get some words out again.

I have been a bit silent lately because I have been dealing with some life changes and anxiety (those two really go hand in hand don’t they?)  Old destructive thought patterns have been coming up for me again and I caught myself on the teeter totter of desiring past addictions, but fortunately as time passed the cravings vanished.  I kept remembering that just because in one moment I was craving a past addiction, it doesn’t have to become a big story.  It was just one moment, one passing thought, one passing craving and the next moment starts anew.

My meditation practice has been the same (20 minutes on most mornings), but with that I have felt that I reached a plateau and haven’t gotten as much out of it as when I started a few years ago.  I guess I had some fantasy when I first started practicing meditation that it would lift me up fast and that life would be like heaven every day.  While there has been some amazing transformation within me since first starting meditation, life as a human is still exactly that.  I have to feed this body, excrete stuff from this body and care for this body……honestly, it’s a lot of work!

The other fantasy that I had about starting a meditation practice was that I thought it would help me to elevate my consciousness to such a degree that all my dreams would come true and that everything would be happily ever after.  Hah!  Just typing that out makes me crack up, because in reality it did the complete opposite.  It shattered the idea of my dreams, it made me realize that a lot of my dreams were actually never even mine to begin with.  It ripped apart the idea of what I thought I was supposed to be and do in this life.

Meditation has quieted my mind and has helped me to focus in on what my true desires are.  It has helped me in becoming patient with what is in any given moment or situation, be it blessing or a curse occurring.  Meditation has shown me many things that I need to work on and many things that I have avoided for a good majority of my adult life.  It has made me realize that you can shift everything around in your outer life all you want to try to find happiness, but truly….everything is actually discovered when you go within.

I actually just made three major changes in the outer circumstances of my life, so I am being a little hypocritical with the above statement, haha.  However, I feel that meditation helped me to focus in on what I truly want to do with my life, so I have begun taking the steps and signs have come along with that informing me in a synchronous matter that this is the path that I need to be on right now.  I’m sure that some uncomfortable things will come up on this path too, but that will give me the experience I need to keep on my path of following my bliss.  I am excited for this new path and am going to try to post more frequently!

Kiss the Sky

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“Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don’t seem the same
Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why
‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky”

–Jimi Hendrix

Aside

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I never want fame, nor fortune. I just want people to know something and spread messages in a cosmic tidal wave. I want people to know that they have the power. It never was anyone else’s fault.

I don’t want a successful career, I don’t want to own a house, I don’t want 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, I just want to be a light for a little while, until I dim out.

This is all I am, this is what I do.

This dimension has been really tough and dense, but I am in it right now, so here goes….

It’s time to stop busying myself, and time to share.

Everything in my life, the “good” and the “bad” has come together full circle, into this wheel of life. I am realizing it all had to happen, for me to come to this moment of now…where I am sharing parts of my soul that I feared ever sharing before, in hopes that it will help someone, even just one person out there who might be feeling alone.

I have been addicted to cigarettes, addicted to pills, addicted to lovers, addicted to technology, addicted to caffeine, and after putting a halt to each addiction, I come back to that same empty hole. The hole is felt in those spaces in between. The spaces where you feel all alone, where you feel bored or hopeless. The spaces pass though and if you face those spaces and “holes” within, you move up and above to a buoyant space where it all makes sense.

I am coming into my power and nothing can stop me now.

Walls Crumbling Down…

What Your Soul Sings

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Don’t be afraid, open your mouth and say, say what your soul sings to you.
Your mind can never change unless you ask it to. Lovingly re-arrange the thoughts that make you blue.

The things that bring you down only do harm to you and so make your choice joy, the joy belongs to you.
And when you do, you’ll find the one you love is you, you’ll find you love you.
Don’t be ashamed no, to open your heart and pray, say what your soul sings to you.
So no longer pretend that you can’t feel it near, that tickle on your hand, that tingle in your ear.

Oh ask it anything because it loves you dear. It’s your most precious king If only you could hear.
And when you do, you’ll find the one you need is you, you’ll find you love you.

–Massive Attack

Life is….

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Life is….

The pain, the joy, the sweet smells, the luscious green grass, the animals, the children’s laughter, biting into a peanut-butter filled chocolate truffle, the tossing and turning at night, the smile on his face after something I said, the fleece blanket I was curled under as I read “Desert Solitaire”, the shadows against the garage at 6:00 in the evening, the pain in my leg muscles after an indoor soccer game, the depression I felt on a beautiful sunny afternoon, the longing I feel for a place that I remember I came from, the attachments that I feel towards my dreams, the sounds and smells of my housemate cooking, the cute little eight-year old girl that just came knocking at my front door to break me out of my musings to ask, “Do you have a plastic fork or a balloon, I’m on a scavenger hunt….” Aren’t we all? The sounds of cars speeding down the road, the hum of the lawn mower two houses down, my cat meowing—begging that I let him outside, the beautiful black crows ascending and descending from the tall Oregon fir trees, the illusion of being alone, the grumbling coming from my stomach, the dust on my windowsill that I have been meaning to wipe down for the last three weeks, the realization that there is so much yet to learn, the memories, the pulsations throughout my body, the gratitude I feel, the art that I need to work on, the breathing that I concentrate on, alert, I am awake….for now. Every single thing—all of it, it’s amazing and miraculous.

This Place….

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There’s This Place that I go into, a place where my sense of reality changes, it might be considered by some a trance, maybe?  In This Place, everything makes sense and there is no worry….in fact, worry seems so laughable in This Place.  This Place envelopes me and I become so at one with it that I can’t imagaine a place other than it.

And then…..I get attached to this place, I cling to it and realize it could leave and once I think that, I snap out of it and get back into “the real world.”  I truly do love This Place though, because This Place is pure love.  This Place is gratitude, joy, love, and freedom all mixed together to make the most beautiful feeling.  In This Place, I remember the divine orchestra of life, that every single thing is just as it should be.  No regrets and no frets….This Place is a reminder of what has been forgotten and I’m forever thankful for it.

In This Place, my past, present and future are nonlinear.  In This Place I remember that we are all eternal.  I remember that just as every single leaf, every single blade of grass, and every single dot of dust had so many different things happen to make it exist, we are alike.  We are just like that leaf, just like that grass, just like that dot of dust, so many different things had to happen to bring us to who we are RIGHT NOW.  And who we are RIGHT NOW is going to be so much different from the person we are going to be at 2 PM tomorrow, circumstances and situations are constantly changing who we are in the moment.

It is so freeing in This Place.  In This Place, you can let go of everything so easily.  In This Place you remember that everything is flowing like a river, things are constantly changing, but it’s not scary: it’s absolutely, beautifully stunning.  In This Place I don’t worry about whether or not my toenails are looking like they’re in massive need of a pedicure, in This Place I’m not worried about what people think of my hairdo or the way I dress because in This Place I remember that none of that truly matters.  In This Place there is no judgement.

This Place overtakes me inside and out, in This Place I feel at one with everything around me.  This Place reminds me of how truly amazing everything is, how when there very well could be nothingness…there is somethingness.  It reminds me to take everything in with every single breath, the way my feet feel against the ground, the sweat on my skin, the colors surrounding me.

This Place, it is a beautiful place to be.  This Place brings me out of confusion, delusion and reminds me of how everything that I thought I knew, it was all just an illusion…..