“There is no freedom in life, without freedom of mind…” –The Fire Theft
Last night and actually quite a few times this week I have been experiencing the feeling of being the observer. I have my thinking/rational/analytical mind and then I have the observer behind that, realizing that the thinking mind isn’t actually me. I mean it is, but I’m realizing that it’s not my TRUE self , it’s just this annoying voice that has to say something about everything. Stepping back and realizing this is SUCH a weight lifted off the shoulders, it’s such a relief to realize that I don’t have to believe anything that voice says….it’s just going to say what it’s going to say, but my true self knows that it’s not reality.
A couple days ago, my roomy and I were traveling with a Couchsurfing friend to Canada and he said something that really hurt me. At first, my reaction was to defend myself and I actually felt the physical sensation of my ego being hurt (for me it comes as a tightness in the chest.) At first I fought back and there was some bickering back and forth for a minute with him about it and then I just stopped. I told him, that’s fine he can say that, we would just have to agree to disagree. I realized I really didn’t like that feeling I had and didn’t like that it started a little fight, I could feel the energy in the car change–to this fearful, fighting mode. People are going to say things that will damage our ego, but it doesn’t mean you can control that situation, this is where clinging comes up–clinging to what we think we are and how we think other people should be to us. When I stopped fretting about it and just let it be, I felt a love and openness again.
Last night I was having a conversation with a new person I had just met and I could tell he wasn’t listening. One major factor in knowing he wasn’t truly listening was I asked him a question and he just nodded his head to me–this wasn’t a yes or no question, haha. Once I got that response, I repeated the question, but by this point he was completely absorbed in looking down at his phone and typing away. This continued on for the hour he was with our little group of friends, the rest of us would be having authentic conversations and he was completely absorbed in his phone. The voice in my head started judging him and saying things like “he is completely rude! How annoying. This guys is ruining my night. I can’t believe he has pretty much completely ignored anything I have said to him.” And the observer noticed this voice, listened to it, but then let it go…..like clouds drifting by in the sky. Truly, I didn’t know this guy, who knows what’s going on in his head, but I have no right to judge him. I just let him be, I forgave him (in my head) and I realized what a beautiful night I was having catching up with my other friends.
In the past I would let both of those situations bug me to the point where I wouldn’t let it go and I would get obsessed about it. I wouldn’t notice everything else going on in the moment because my mind would be obsessed in this judging world for so long. It’s such a wonderful thing recognizing this voice in my head, which used to create my reality, is just that–just a voice. To relax in this voice, to not let it hold so much power over me is so completely liberating!
“Why should anything that anyone says or does cause you to get disturbed? You’re just on a planet spinning around the middle of absolutely nowhere. You came here to visit for a handful of years and then you’re going to leave. How can you live all stressed-out over everything? Don’t do it.” –The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer